A Balanced Defense of Islamic Polygamy in the Post-Modern Age
Marriage is the foundation of society, an institution based on love, respect, honoring the rights of the partner, and undertaking difficult responsibilities.
Polygamy is a sanctified form of marriage in Islam, whose limitations outlined in the Qur’an should, in theory, only allow an honorable man of value to engage in it, contrary to thousands of years of abuse of this form of marriage both before and after Islam. This is not for everyone, nor is it for no one. A balanced approach is taken to this issue, centered around the views of Martyr Ayatollah Mutahhari and Ayatollah Khamenei.
The family is the foundation of a stable, just, and ethical society. Yet in today’s world, so much of the chaos can be attributed to abandoning the family structure.
People who grow up in homes where they don’t know who their father or mother is become psychologically damaged, and usually this fuels cycles of violence and crime, whether domestic violence, such as taking out their inner frustrations on their family members and spouses/partners, or social violence, such as entering into a profession that involves some level of immorality, whether legal or illegal, and on the illegal side this usually translates into drugs and gangs. On the legal side, these become the CEOs of corporations who do immense harm to human beings and the planet.
The cycle repeats and worsens with every generation that is born out of wedlock. The kids become more and more emotionally damaged because their parents never had it all together themselves. Even those who don’t devolve into crime, live dishonorable, degenerate lives pursuing vain things and living a life of total heedlessness, because it was heedlessness and hedonism that caused their parents to conceive them out of wedlock in a state of pure animalistic lust, with zero commitment towards each other and not seeking the blessing of the Creator through holy matrimony.
It did not go from 0 to 100 overnight. It started step by step until we are at the point now where normalization of pedophilia is peeking its head out into the daylight, although it always existed as part of the LGBTQP (P is for pedophilia – you are free to use such an acronym) “rights” movement since the beginnings, from the pro-NAMBLA beat poet Allen Ginsberg to the famous Western “leftist” philosopher Michel Foucault, the founder of Queer Theory.
There are two glaring examples of just how sick and twisted our society has become:
The first is in Jacksonville, Florida, where the hipster wing of the Zionist media reported on a polyamorous woman who fell pregnant by one of her four “lovers.” What the media won’t report on is how one of her “lovers,” Ethan Bishop Baucom (age 22), brutally beat the 5 week old (you read that right, weeks not months) baby, resulting in multiple fractures. The motive? He could not get enough sleep due to the baby’s crying. Cry us a river, child abuser.
The second one is where a woman became the surrogate mother for her own gay son’s child. She gave birth to her own grandchild. Let that sick reality set in for a moment before continuing with this article. Our sincerest apologies if you have just finished eating a meal.
To rectify this absolutely abominable state of the world we live in, we need to embrace marriage as a sacred institution, where seeking God’s blessing is the highest aim of those wishing to establish families on a mission-oriented basis: which is to raise the next generation to be righteous and pure, instead of debaucherous and corrupt.
When it comes to Islamic marriage, there cannot be a one-size-fits-all approach to marriage. Some families may require expansion for many reasons. That is where Allah came in to regulate the ancient practice of polygamy, as both polygamy and monogamy were abused by the godless pagans of the time. Women were seen as less than property to those who worshiped idols, the most pernicious of which is the idol of the self. Whether they had one wife or many, the outcome was the same: misery for the woman. The broken home environment led to the corruption of their offspring and thus the corruption in society.
Instead of the idea of the family – a miniature nation built on love of God and love of each other – being the basis of polygamy in pre-Islamic times, it was more like a harem and women were nothing but objects and their rights discarded. However, in modern times, due to the perniciousness of fornication, the formality of marriage isn’t even considered anymore, creating an even greater contrast between legitimate, God-sanctioned polygamy and egotistical fornication and promiscuity.
Polygamy is a form of marriage, and marriage has a lofty station of Islam, one of respect, dignity, serving God, journeying towards spiritual perfection with all in the family, and much more. Intimate relations is but a part of it, but to reduce marriage down to just sex is frankly immature.
No one makes such an assumption when someone seeks monogamous marriage. “Oh, he just wants to marry my daughter as an outlet for his desires,” is not something that has been thought of or spoken in the history of monogamy. So why is it extended to polygamy, especially in today’s world when it is so much easier to fulfill those desires, in both halal and haraam ways, by avoiding the responsibilities and burdens of permanent marriage?
In the ideal sense, as Islam has legislated, no wife is superior or inferior to another. They each are afforded their due rights in the family. The Holy Qur’an stipulates that man can have up to 4 wives, but if he fears he cannot be just between them, then he should settle for only one.
According to Nemuneh, verses of the Holy Qur’an make clear the formula for justice & equity:
“Having more than one wife, and up to four, is permitted on the condition that man should be perfectly just and equitable to all his wives; a condition that may seem almost impossible. The man might be just and fair in material and economical matters; but certainly he won’t be able to love them all in the same scale and measure. Therefore, the verse implies that he should at least not discard one of them, casting her off of attention as if she is in suspension. So, the purpose of doing justice among your wives is not equality in loving them, which is not in the husband’s power, but it lays in the heart. Equality is rather wanted in their dowers, provisions, opportunities, expenditures, and other material gifts, or whatever it might be.”
The justice most strictly applies to material equity among spouses. We should not take this in the literalist sense as many Wahabbis do, as a literalist would buy his wives the exact same outfits in the same color as if they are parents who want to make their identical twins seem more adorable. Equity is different than equality. Different people, in this case women, require different things. But the general standard of living cannot be different, meaning that one can’t live in riches while the other lives in rags. More simple things like a monthly allowance from the husband’s income should be exactly equal, for example. This also depends on each family’s circumstance and each woman’s needs. General principles can then be filtered through to the unique circumstances of each family.
However, when it comes to intangible things like emotions and love, the basic requirement is to not abandon the current wife/wives and only show love and affection to the new wife. A man who is truly just and equitable will care for the heart of his current wife/wives and not want to abandon his best friend in life who has been there for him throughout so much. The Prophet (S) and his family, the Ahlul Bayt (as), were the pinnacle of noble ethical traits. Those who abandon their wife/wives in the name of “polygamy is the man’s right” do not exhibit the justice that is needed to even be Islamically permitted to have more than one wife in the first place.
That is why it is important to get the blessing of the current wife/wives before seeking an additional one, even if it is not required in the Sharia. The Sharia is just the basic, the foundation. We also have the Tariqa, which is the spiritual side of things which manifests itself in our noble ethical traits, among other manifestations of metaphysical refinement. Perhaps the reason why the Sharia doesn’t require permission is for a specific circumstance where, according to Martyr Ayatollah Murtaza Mutahhari, polygamy becomes the right of single women in society.
This is where the number of women outnumber the number of men. In this case, single women are cast to a fate of celibacy or adultery, neither of which is good. In that case, even if married women disagree with sharing their husbands (who should be generally noble and just at a minimum to even qualify for polygamy) then their disagreement must be bypassed, because in this case these women are oppressing their fellow sisters in faith by selfishly hoarding a righteous man, when every woman deserves an honorable companion who will treat them as they deserve to be treated.
Outside of this equation, even where polygamy is necessary and justified, it is the expression of the noble ethical traits of the Prophet and Ahlul Bayt to care about the heart(s) of the current wife/wives by seeking their counsel and blessing to even seek multiple wives, before any proposals are sent and before any marriages take place.
Martyr Mutahhari, in the same book, says that according to the way that God created man and woman, the marital relation – as a matter of human nature, the yin and the yang of man and woman – is where the man gives his heart to the woman in exchange for exclusivity over her physical beauty (which hijab, both the cloth and the noble ethical traits of modesty, help to fulfill).
A woman can only give her physical beauty exclusively to one man, which is one of many reasons why polyandry, where a woman marries more than one man, is abnormal and immoral and just makes zero sense from a biological perspective (inability to determine fatherhood) and a sociological perspective (men are much more competitive than women and so retaining a sense of peace and tranquility in the family would fall apart quickly).
In contrast, God knows that a man can give his heart to up to 4 women, and any more and he would not be able to handle the responsibilities and justice/equity that go along with it. Not all men are capable of being just, so most men should settle for only one. However, for those who do have the capacity to do so, it is no different than how parents can have more than one child and still love all of them and treat them with equity according to each child’s needs. The love of a parent is not divisible into smaller pieces, rather it expands. Similarly, the heart of a God-fearing man who has the capacity to be just to more than one wife is one that expands, rather than divides into smaller pieces.
Imam Hussain (as), in a narration from al Kafi, said: “As for the verse, ‘then marry such (other) women as seem good to you, two and three and four; but if you fear that you will not do justice (between them) then (marry) only one’, it speaks about the maintenance; and as for the verse: ‘And you have not in your power to do justice between wives, even though you may wish (it), but be not disinclined (from one) with total disinclination; so that you leave her as it were in suspense,’ it speaks about love.”
Many people abuse many different things within Islam. ISIS abuses Islam in its entirety, so do we go and abandon our religion because of what bad actors, hypocrites, and the wicked do in its name?
Many people – regardless of faith – abuse monogamy, should we abandon marriage altogether and resort to sexual communism? The answer is a resounding no, and this principle should be applied to those who have abused polygamy, no matter how numerous these bad actors have been throughout history. The baby should not be thrown out with the bathwater.
If society wasn’t so brainwashed by a false sense of what love and marriage means, from Disney and other such soft war outlets, perhaps polygamy wouldn’t be so uncommon, and with the proper guidance from religious scholars and social workers, general guidelines to do polygamy as God intended it to be would negate so many instances of those who have abused it.
The book Public Vows: A History of Marriage and the Nation by Harvard history Professor Nancy F. Cott describes how strict societal monogamy is a product of godless liberal Anglo-American cultural imperialism. From Orthodox Christians to Muslims, polygamy was a practice in traditional, religious communities. It gave women rights of inheritance and the children born from the father were all legitimate as long as they were wed in holy matrimony with the mother.
When godless liberalism swept the West, men didn’t want the responsibilities of marriage, but they still wanted the pleasures of the flesh. They didn’t want to be constrained by God, but rather free to be led astray by the devil who pokes and prods at the human’s ego.
These arrogant, self-worshiping liberals just wanted to have all the fun without any responsibility for their actions, making them worse than children, as children are innocent whereas adults are arrogant, self-centered jackals when they engage in such care-free pursuits, which bring harm to all those involved and society as well.
Strict social monogamy was invented to protect the man so he may choose only one legal wife, and thus one legal successor. All the “love children” born out of wedlock to “mistresses” do not receive any inheritance. Back then, illegitimate birth was still stigmatized whereas now there is no shame about it. In the early eras of modernity, illegitimate children were cast into the shadow whereas the legitimate heirs can go out in society and be seen with their father and be respected.
In Islam, rights are intertwined.
No one individual or group has all the rights, everyone has rights over each other. People get so caught up in feminist discourse about “women’s rights” that they forget about the rights of the children. What did this poor child do to be born illegitimately? Polygamy is thus infinitely preferable to adultery, for even if the man lacks in justice and nobility towards his wives, at least these innocent kids have a shot at life. On a spiritual, esoteric level, the hedonism and heedlessness of fornication affects the child spiritually, that is why illegitimate children have many spiritual issues. They can be overcome in some cases with persistent spiritual wayfaring, but there is a reason why Islam does not allow illegitimate children to lead prayers or to have certain positions in the Islamic government. It is a spiritual handicap. It can be overcome to a degree just like there are physically handicapped people performing sports in the Special Olympics, but what percentage of handicapped peoples actually achieve such degrees compared to the masses?
In a healthy society, free of the corruption of godless liberal Anglo-American cultural imperialism, monogamy would be the majority practiced form of marriage. However, polygamy would be practiced at a much greater percentage than we currently see, and those who do it will have been spiritually trained by the scholars and other servants of God to where they do it according to the noble ethical traits of the Prophet and his family.
The issue of polygamy must nonetheless not be taken lightly, for when it is abused it causes many social problems and tarnishes the image of Islam and polygamy itself.
That is why Imam Khamenei, in response to fake news alleging that he issued a fatwa describing polygamy as “mustahab (highly recommended),” he corrected such rumors by stating that it is mubah (neutral).
Not haraam (forbidden), not makruh (strongly discouraged), nor mustahab – simply neutral. In certain situations it may solve some social problems (indicating the importance of some necessity for it, rather than frivolously marrying other wives), but he said it must not be taken lightly and the heart of the woman must not be neglected in the process, and therefore it is not something that is open to just any man for no particular reason. Perhaps he was alluding to asking permission and going about it delicately, although the entirety of the speech and its context was not translated into English by Khamenei.ir, only its highlights.
Additionally, the Leader made sure to note that if the marriage is based on worldly pursuits, rather than building a family for the sake of serving a Godly mission, then certainly polygamy would exacerbate materialistic dramas such as fighting over money and material possessions, ruining the “abode of peace” that is the family. Those who do engage in such a family structure should have a much loftier and noble mission than simply acquiring more women and children for materialistic purposes. Allah does say in the Qur’an that those who are trapped by this materialistic, temporary world view wives and children in the same way they view their other material possessions.
Therefore, those who have the materialistic outlook should be discouraged from pursuing polygamy. It shouldn’t just be for any man who has financial means to do so and perhaps is moderately just and equitable in his characteristics; if his motivation is worldly, it would cause more drama and fractures in his family. Imam Khamenei also stated that such a family structure should not be done in a way where it disrupts the harmony and cohesion of the family, according to how Allah describes marriage in the Qur’an as a source of sakina (tranquility).
The Leader’s position is therefore quite balanced and reasonable, and naturally in line with Islamic ethos. He allows room for the few instances in the problems of some small minority of families who can benefit from this equation where it is done for the right reasons, the approval of the current wife/wives are sought, and equity is insured. The primary goal again reverts back to preserving the peace and tranquility of the household. Couples who are able to have children easily without any kind of medical issues, already have large families (due to many relatives, parents, etc), and practically the majority of families on earth have no social need that would be solved by polygamy, and therefore polygamy would disrupt the peace of their household and cause damage to all family members. The Leader also stressed the importance of the bond of trust between spouses, and therefore it is logical to deduce that secretly obtaining another wife goes against this principle, and therefore the man must be honest and decent enough to face his wife and get her approval.
Aside from addressing the Ummah generally, he is also addressing Iranian society specifically, which has become quite sensitive to the subject of polygamy due to various reasons. Partially, because many have abused it and it has broken the peace of many families because it was done for the wrong reasons and usually secretly, behind the current wife/wives’ backs. Another reason is due to the import of American liberal philosophy into Iranian culture, especially Disney fairy tales. This causes people to have an unhealthy, unrealistic view of love and marriage, and become possessive towards their spouse, almost treating the spouse as an end goal, instead of a means towards serving Allah.
It is important, to maintain the peace of the family, that the current wife/wives’ permission is sought, and that there is a legitimate problem, whether within the family or within society, that is solved by polygamy, rather than simply pursuing other wives for the sake of worldly pleasures. Therefore, the majority of men should not even think of or consider approaching polygamy. However, the few families who would be exempt from these types of cautions and warnings should not be shamed either, since it is not declared to be makruh or haraam either. There can be a balanced, reasonable approach to this subject that is away from the extremes of too much permissiveness or a total taboo.
What would then constitute a legitimate reason for polygamy, aside from the necessary qualifications of the man and his intentions being non-material in nature?
The idea that a current marriage must be deficient or lacking is also not a reason to engage in polygamy. The solution is to solve the problems of the current marriage, let alone seeking another.
Let’s assume though that there is a happy marriage, but there is some obstacle blocking the way to that family pursuing its mission to serve Allah. One such reason, brought up by Martyr Mutahhari in the same book mentioned previously, is the inability of the woman to have children. A man and woman who are truly guided by faith instead of materialism will see children as a means of raising up servants of Allah, rather than as just another material possession.
That is a legitimate instance where polygamy can solve many social problems and build up the nation of Islam. Go and see the endless videos of the mothers of martyrs of Islam who always state that, after having sent their last surviving son into martyrdom, they wish they had more sons to give in the way of Allah. Some likened it to wanting as many children as strands of hair on their head. To raise children for the sake of them becoming unbreakable pillars for Imam Mahdi (aj) is indeed a noble goal, where the parents see their children as something more than just another material possession. Therefore, polygamy should be an option if the man is of a certain quality morally and he seeks the blessing of his current wife/wives.
If it wasn’t for polygamy done for the reasons of infertility of the first wife, then there would be no Prophet Muhammad (S) nor Messiah Jesus (as).
Sara, the first wife of Abraham (as), was infertile, so she was the one to come forward and suggest to the Prophet of God that he marry another woman to continue the line of prophethood and service to God after they die. He married Hajar as a result, and Ishmael (as), the first son of Abraham, was born. He is the forefather of the Arabic prophets, whose final prophet was Muhammad, the last of all prophets.
The Old Testament is not the true Torah, as it was distorted by the hands of corrupt rabbis after the death of Prophet Solomon (as), so the historical account of Abraham, Sara, and Hajar is perhaps a bit exaggerated. However, it is generally believed that Sara felt a deep pain due to them having a child and her not having one. However, the prophets and their families go through these feelings and scenarios for us to learn. Prophets are infallible, but their wives are not, pure as they may be. This was a deficiency on Sara’s part but understandable nonetheless. Once she had Isaac (as), the forefather of the Hebrew/Israelite prophets (the last of which was Jesus Christ), she became relieved. Allah had blessed her for sacrificing her desire to have her husband for herself by giving her a holy prophet as a son.
Martyr Mutahhari likened a woman who sacrifices exclusivity with her husband to a mother who sacrifices exclusivity with her sons by allowing them to go out onto the battlefields of jihad against the enemies of humanity and Islam.
The media warfare against Islamic polygamy has unfortunately spread throughout the Islamic world into TV dramas.
Negative portrayals of polygamy is even in the Islamic Republic of Iran’s IRIB network, which sadly, according to the late Iranian filmmaker Farajollah Salahshoor (Prophet Joseph, Men of Angelos (People of the Cave), and more), has been partially infiltrated by anti-Islamic, anti-revolutionary subversives, although not entirely as there are still many honest believers in its ranks, especially as its head is directly appointed by the Leader of the Islamic Revolution, Imam Khamenei. The leadership and general masses of IRIB are righteous and sincere, but from time to time the effects of what the late Islamic cinema legend Salahshoor described results in the occasional placement of certain messages in a few serials here and there that are either intentionally or unintentionally inserted to make people turn away from the light of the Qur’an and instead turn to their own imaginations of what Islam should be, especially when it comes to family and marriage which is the foundation of society.
One such Iranian serial is Setayesh Season 2. Not once, but twice the 2nd season had two separate female characters with issues related to having children. The first was the main character’s assistant in her restaurant, and the second was the main character’s long lost best friend from her young adult years.
With the first character, on the topic of finding a home for some orphans whose only caretaker (their brother) was killed by a criminal, the character admitted that she and her husband could not have kids. With the second character, upon seeing her long lost friend after decades, told the main character that she did not have any children and she only had miscarriages.
Both two characters, almost line-for-line, said the same thing: they told their husband they are free to marry a second wife and that they will even go to find the wife for him. In both instances, the husbands rejected it, saying “you are enough for me and I can live without children.” This is straight out of Disney fantasy and is a case of making an idol out of our spouses. If the primary aim of a couple is to serve Allah, then all aspects of family life, including children, are means to that end. These Hallmark card feelings of “my one and only” go out the window, as the right of the Imam of the Time to have noble supporters who will not abandon him or betray him is greater than these silly, Disney-influenced Western interpretations of “romance.”
In this serial, both characters’ husbands were generally moral and noble people. The husband of the second character was exceptionally honest and noble. Why shouldn’t they have children to pass on these noble traits to, so as to offset the corrupt people and their corrupt kids in society? Over some fake, Western liberal interpretation of true love?
Even the second character said that “it is okay to not have children, as we promised to act like each other’s children.” That is just too much absurdity to even entertain a response. Children mostly live longer than their parents and carry the torch of Islam forward to the next generation and the next decades after the parents die. These silly notions of role playing as each other’s children are of no use to the Imam of the Time.
Is infertility the only qualifier for seeking polygamy with good intentions? Even if the marriage is happy, there is still some obstacle in it and even then it still lessens Allah’s wisdom with polygamy to limit its utility for fixing a problem, even if the problem is legitimate, versus the illegitimate excuse of solving an unhappy marriage. This is unfair. Polygamy can apply whether or not there is some sort of “issue” or “obstacle” present.
Polygamy is not ignoble if someone does not suffer from infertility, if the society doesn’t suffer from high female to male ratios, and other such things. As long as it remedies a social problem, is not done frivolously, and the peace of the family is not broken — namely through the wife being on board with it without force or pressure — then such families should not be wrongly slandered and lumped in with those who abuse it.
The scholars of Islam — at least in the Shi’a school of thought — stress that it is problematic when done frivolously and/or if it breaks the peace of the home and harms the heart of the current wife/wives. There are 7 billion people on this earth, and many of them have families. Each family has a unique situation. We never know if someone’s life problems or some social problem can be solved by polygamy, even if there is no “obstacle,” without it being for frivolous reasons and done in a way where it does not break the peace of the home or break the wife’s heart (i.e. asking for permission before even pursuing another wife). Therefore, making it a taboo can inadvertently create suffering and pain in peoples’ lives.
However, in the absence of some specific necessity (as the ulema stress necessity should be present), that does not mean that every man should engage in this practice, especially if it is only for worldly purposes relating to intimate needs, absent a severe risk of sin.
Engaging in this for worldly reasons would disrupt the peace of the family, affect the faith of the children, and further add to the negative stereotypes about polygamy which would further place hardship on the polygamous families that do it in a noble and honorable way, maintaining their peace. The ulema discourage the idea that polygamy should have no limitations or restraints and should be an option for the general public. At the same time, they have not made it taboo or off limits either, for those few families around the world who would find some social problem resolved by it, with the approval of the existing wife/wives, and without the peace of the family being broken.
Permission from the current wife/wives is essential to making sure the peace is not broken. If she is a woman of fairness and strong faith, she will be able to have a conversation with her husband and respect that he is at least being honest, and through her fairness and intelligence will be able to discern if her husband has honestly assessed himself and his family’s situation and found a familial or social problem that would be remedied by polygamy, or if he is coming up with a lame excuse just to justify expanding his worldly desires. Men who abuse polygamy and do it secretly likely do so because they know if they were to approach their wives, they would likely not have a legitimate reason for it and their wife would be able to sense that such a suggestion is based on frivolous reasons.
Imam Khamenei suggests that believers should have at least six children. A large number of properly raised children, whose faith is active rather than inherited, is a benefit for society and the system of Wilayat. However, in some cases to put such physical pressure on one woman to give birth to all those children, year after year, is not fair, especially if the couple got married in a later age and the woman faces greater health risks above the age of 35.
If a small percentage of families in the Islamic world engaged in polygamy, according to the above mentioned criteria that Allah has put in place rather than abusing it unjustly, then it would increase the nation of Islam and outnumber the amount of corrupt people in the world, including those who wear the name “Muslim” as if it is just a name tag and category, instead of a way of life and the best path for achieving perfection of the self and of society. Having more kids for the sake of Allah is important, and putting all the burden on one woman, especially if she is not so young, is unfair to the woman.
However, once again, polygamy should not be pursued for worldly reasons. If a couple just wants to have children for increasing their material possessions, then they would likely disrupt the peace of their family as materialism does not bring happiness to anyone. However, if their motivation is godly, in increasing the amount of servants of Allah on this planet, then a man who can handle the responsibility of polygamy while maintaining peace in his household have this option on the table, if they feel it is what suits their circumstances and life goals. That is up to each couple to decide, and that is why the woman’s heart should be treated sensitively.
Even more than population increase, is the fact that those children must be raised properly for society to succeed. One man and one woman cannot raise a larger number of properly-raised children who embody the noble ethical traits that Islam teaches believers to manifest in themselves and in society, unless they go through a lot of difficulties, struggles, and sacrifices. With the advent of liberal capitalism and its individualist, atomized social structure, modern concepts such as the single family household add even more difficulties to family life.
In an Islamic society, the negative effects are minimized by the fact that they go to Islamic schools which have not been infected with LGBTQP or other aspects of the UN 2030 agenda, so parents can take a break and safely leave their kids in the hands of the state’s schools. However, Islam can never be instilled in their hearts truly if their parents don’t invest quality time into their children’s lives.
This is further impeded by the natural reality of domestic life, which requires menial tasks and chores which take away from the ability to educate and train children in their immaterial qualities. Putting food in children’s stomachs and a roof over their head is not true parenting; it is simply the most basic of obligations. It is maintenance of human life’s ability to survive, but it is not what raising children is about. Raising children is doing what makes them thrive, in both this world and the next. The true meaning of child raising is to uplift their soul, their ethical traits and morality, and their intellect, and that means the more time that is spent on menial household chores, no matter how necessary for a tranquil home life, the less time is spent on actual child raising.
Sheikh Farrokh Sekaleshfar, a scholar of the spiritual sciences and philosophy (‘irfan, tariqa, and many other such categories of knowledge), gave a series of lectures on motherhood (part 1, part 2), in which he said that on a spiritual level, if a woman performs too many house chores and is burdened by them, she loses her divine feminine qualities and spiritually becomes more masculine. This is where post-modern, atomized individualism causes trouble.
In previous eras, it took a village to raise a child. Family members, maids (provided they are paid fairly and treated fairly), and yes, multiple wives of the husband (although the Sheikh didn’t mention other wives), all lived in close proximity (houses were often not single family design, but rather semi-communal in nature) so that they can assist each other with these menial tasks so that the mothers can focus on the true education of the minds and souls of the children, in addition to the warmth of their feminine love, whose radiant light would be dimmed by the burden of excessive chores. Of course, the man should also help out with housework when he is able to, making the burden even lighter on each member of the household.
In this instance, polygamy can help to reduce the burden of each adult family member and in this case add to the sakina (tranquility) of the household. There can be no fertility issues or other such “obstacles” in this case, but rather to preserve the divine feminine qualities of each woman in the family so that she could focus on her prime responsibility as the builder of civilization via her education of the hearts and minds of the children via her love, her intellect, and her noble ethical traits.
Real life examples of the male to female ratio justification, where Shaheed Mutahhari says it becomes the woman’s right to be married even if her husband has other wives, is the African-American community. Due to centuries of social engineering compounding on the social problems and ills of this community, in addition to the CIA and “israeli” Mafia selling hard drugs into this community leading to mass incarceration of black men particularly, there are not so many men as there are women. On top of that, the amount of marriageable men who have decent qualities and moral traits is even smaller. So with all these single women, to make polygamy taboo is sentencing this community to collapse.
Other such issues where polygamy may solve certain social problems is for families who have disabled family members, and perhaps they are the only ones who can take care of them after the special needs individual’s parents get too old or return to their Creator. It is impossible to put it into a box because there are millions of unique cases around the world where making polygamy taboo for this couple would cause harm and suffering to their home life.
A treasure trove of a resource is Martyr Mutahhari’s Rights of Women in Islam. The last chapter deals with polygamy, but the entire book is necessary for context and will surely help us approach the women in our lives with the due respect that our Creator is pleased to see exhibited from us.
Polygamy is not for everybody and it shouldn’t be sold and promoted so freely. The Leader’s advice on this issue is based on a solid foundation of wisdom. The ulema are clear that this is not something that any man who just feels like it should engage in. There are certain moral standards and the reasons for pursuing it should not be frivolous.
The bar is not so high for polygamy that it is impossible, it is just perhaps that many men are relatively subpar that they don’t meet the criteria needed, or even those who do meet the criteria do not have a sufficient reason for doing so (such as remedying an important family or social problem) and would thus be engaging in a frivolous act that would cause more harm than benefit.
That is why any man who cannot face Allah and honestly say he has a legitimate reason, and not a frivolous reason, for pursuing polygamy, and any man who cannot honestly face his wife and have the conversation about it, should not even think about the matter, and if his wife says no, he should forget about it. The peace of the household is far more important than worldly satisfaction.
But for those who have the ethical qualities and situational necessities – whether solving issues like infertility or imbalanced male to female ratios (i.e. Afro-Americans) – such a family structure should not be a taboo or source of shame, nor should it be so out-of-bounds that such a small percentage of the society engages with it.
A righteous married man, who has the permission of his current wife/wives, who sends a marriage proposal to a woman’s family should not be viewed as if he is infected with a severe case of leprosy or as if he is Azra’eel the Angel of Death handing their daughter a burial shroud!
A family who meets the standards of going about Islamic polygamy according to the religion’s noble ethical traits and who do not have frivolous reasons for doing so, should not be subject to gossip, slander, shaming, and other forms of venomous attacks from the community. A family with more than one wife under its wings should be able to walk among the believers with their dignity in tact and without getting dirt thrown on their heads by people who have a sickness in their heart.
A woman who doesn’t prefer polygamy is not a lesser believer nor a bad person. That is their right to have a preference. But it really just goes to show how absent true, Muhammadin Islam is from society when it is so taboo that almost no one is interested in such a sacred and sanctified family structure when done in line with noble ethical traits and for suitable reasons.
A woman’s feelings should be cared about for polygamy to be done in accordance with Islam’s vision of the perfection of man’s noble ethical traits, while at the same time she should refine herself spiritually to where she embodies the hadith that states that a believer has not reached true faith until they want for their brother/sister what they like for themselves.
After all, there is a hadith that states gheirat (a sort of jealous honor) is a sign of faith in a man, whereas it is a sign of disbelief in a woman. Going back to how Martyr Mutahhari described the nature of man and woman, a woman is mostly after a man’s heart and not after his physical essence. The physical act of a man laying down with a lawfully wedded woman — and having done so in an ethical way, such as seeking his wife’s permission and having reasons that are not frivolous in nature — should not upset his other lawfully wedded wife, because he has expanded his heart, rather than snatched it away from her and given it to someone else. Only in adultery is a man snatching away his heart from his wife and giving it to someone else. A man, on the other hand, is not so much concerned about his wife having heartfelt feelings for another man as he is with her actually following through on such feelings and violating their sacred bond by physically being with another man. Men and women are biologically and psychologically different — not superior nor inferior, but in perfect harmony. That doesn’t mean that a man isn’t upset if his wife has heartfelt feelings for another man, or that a woman isn’t bothered by the physical aspect of adultery, but it is lower on their list than the feelings which align with their psychological and physiological nature.
The abuse of polygamy thrives when it is a taboo subject. Abusers can pretend like they didn’t know any better. But when general guidelines are put forward by the spiritual leaders of the Islamic world, then they cannot hide behind excuses. At the same time, removing the taboo will also make life easier for those who approach polygamy in the way that Islam intended, because no aspect of Islam exists in a vacuum. Abusers take polygamy in a vacuum and separate it from the noble ethical traits of Islam just the same as anti-polygamists pick and choose which parts of Islam they like to follow. Rather, Islam is a wholistic religion that does not bow to anyone’s ego.
Living conditions and many other issues are logistical and should not be placed in a one-size-fits-all formula, as this depends on each family, especially the women involved, although the ulema generally recommend that they have ample private space and comfort. That is up to each family to decide based on their preferences and means. Does that mean separate houses, or one big house that has a suitable layout and building a divider between sections? That is up to the family to decide and for the women to come up with what scenario makes them the most comfortable.
The wives should not be forced to be friends, but for any man seeking an additional wife, do they really want to deal with rivalry and jealousy instead of sisterhood and harmony? Those who pursue additional wives out of frivolous reasons will without a doubt ruin the peace of their home and will have to deal with warring sides which will only lead to ruin.
It is not worth to marry again if the current wife or the prospective wife is not on board with a peaceful family that puts service to Allah above petty, egotistical hatred of their sister in Islam for no other reason than the man that is between them. Although, when the permission of the wife is not sought and the man goes about it in a shady way, in that case the woman is not to blame for having sour feelings if one day she wakes up to find out of a big surprise that there is another woman in her family life. The man should have thought twice before ruining the peace of his home. In the case where a man does go about it in the right way — seeking his wife’s permission and having noble reasons for doing so — then the additional wife he seeks should be one who will not turn his current wife into an enemy, and will seek harmony and sisterhood instead of war and rivalry.
After all, the jealousy of the mother of Judah, one of the children of Prophet Jacob, is what caused him to become so malicious towards Prophet Joseph, throwing him in a well and selling him into slavery. In the Iranian TV series, Prophet Joseph, the contrast between Prophet Joseph and his two wives is quite interesting: they are both incredibly sisterly and due to their high faith in God don’t have time for these petty thoughts of enmity towards each other.
The fruit of the jealousy of the mother of Judah can be easily witnessed the Zionist regime’s genocide against Palestinians. Does any man or woman want such outcomes for their children over such short-sighted pettiness?
Terms like “co-wife” reinforce this petty rivalry. Terms like “sister wife,” rather, place a positive connotation and encourages viewing things through the lens of the higher self, rather than the lower self. The man also has to uphold his duties, for its success is dependent on all members of the family contributing to a loving, united environment in service of God and His prophet.
There is a balance to everything, and if Islamic society had a healthy view of what love and romance should be, then most people would practice monogamy, but in a healthier way where the spouse is viewed as a blessing from God rather than “my possession,” and those men of value who seek additional wives would be those who have the character traits to do so according to Islam’s noble ideals, as the Qur’an forbids most unqualified people from engaging it in anyway, unless in extreme cases to stop adultery, as this oppresses the innocent children born out of wedlock with the spiritual handicap they are born with.
However, many people don’t care about what the Qur’an says, or the noble ethical traits of the prophets, and take additional wives without caring about observing the rights of the women involved. However, this problem is exacerbated when polygamy is made taboo. It prevents scholars and social workers from dealing with it openly, thereby preventing its abuse to the best of their ability, and facilitating it for those who will truly do justice to such a family arrangement.
Scholars should help to give general advice to families on best practices so that they don’t have to reinvent the wheel and make many mistakes in the first years of polygamy. TV shows should show more positive examples of polygamy, rather than only negative ones, as this is a source of brainwashing that instills godless liberal Anglo-American cultural imperialism when it comes to peoples’ distorted ideas what of love and marriage are supposed to be about in the first place, which is a miniature Ummah dedicated to the service of Allah by any means necessary.
There are additionally YouTube channels, such as Outstanding Personal Relationships, who share their real-life ups and downs as a means of passing on their learned life lessons onto the viewer, so that the viewer has a head start in avoiding the same mistakes or building upon the same successes that they had. OPR’s hosts even admit that they would have loved to have had a similar resource on the onset of their journey in polygamy, which would have saved them a lot of trial and error, but sadly because of the silence of the community – especially the Imams and Sheikhs – there is no resource for navigating the maze of polygamy. You don’t have to agree with every idea put forth by these relationship counselors on the internet, especially as many of them are too permissive when it comes to putting forth the idea that any man who has the proper finances and social skills to manage more than one wife should do so. However, their shortcomings aside, they are the only source for practical information on the day-to-day struggles of polygamous families so there is some benefit to be extracted and separated from the wrongdoings.
وَٱجْعَلْهُ ٱللَّهُمَّ مَفْزَعاً لِمَظْلُومِ عِبَادِكَ
Dua ‘Ahd
وَنَاصِراً لِمَنْ لا يَجِدُ لَهُ نَاصِراً غَيْرَكَ
وَمُجَدِّداً لِمَا عُطِّلَ مِنْ أَحْكَامِ كِتَابِكَ
وَمُشَيِّداً لِمَا وَرَدَ مِنْ أَعْلامِ دِينِكَ وَسُنَنِ نَبِيِّكَ
صَلَّىٰ ٱللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وآلِهِ
“O Allah, (please) make him (Imam Mahdi) the shelter to whom Your wronged servants shall resort, the supporter of those who cannot find any supporter save You, the reviver of the laws of Your Book that have been suspended, and the constructor of all signs of Your religion and instructions of Your Messenger, peace be upon him and his Household, that he will see.”
Truly, the laws of the divine and wise Holy Book, the noble Qur’an, have been suspended and have been replaced by peoples’ egos, each individual cherry-picking which part they like and abandoning the rest. Polygamy is one of those cherries that have gone unpicked and tossed in the trash because of the personal whim of a human being who is limited in their rational faculty and cannot even know how to properly clean themselves after using the bathroom without Allah and His messengers teaching us about proper hygiene for physical and spiritual purity.
Imam Mahdi will certainly come to establish balance on the issue of marriage. He will deal with the abusers, but he will also remove any taboos that cause families who go about this in a noble manner to be shamed and slandered by the community. There are billions of people in the world and every family has a different situation. Islam has a solution to so many social problems, and if a minority of families benefit from having additional adult members within it, then such a solution should not be deprived from them. At the same time, those who would abuse such a family structure, where it would cause more harm than benefit, should be sufficiently prevented and discouraged from doing so, but without throwing the baby out with the bath water.
We must reconstruct and revive the laws of Allah’s book by ending the taboo on polygamy. It is not about being too permissive with it, by wrongfully encouraging just any man who hasn’t the right characteristics or is motivated by less-than-lofty reasons – surely this is in line with the advice from Imam Khamenei to not take it lightly. But the Leader of the Islamic Revolution never said that it is makruh (discouraged) either – it just is. It is a neutral institution within Islam that has a purpose but is not for everyone, so do tread carefully and do not joke about it, especially in front of our sisters.
People are always polarized by extremes. Either it must be totally taboo or totally permissive. Why not something reasonable in between, so that a decent couple – who perhaps can’t have children or perhaps wants more but without burdening one woman or for any noble and non-materialistic reasons – doesn’t have to feel like they are disgraceful and shameful by the way the community will gossip about them, let alone having all the door shut in their faces when sending marriage proposals due to a lack of the spirit of Islam in this era plagued by individualism, egoism, and cherry-picking of religion according to one’s own arrogance?
The famous hadith about how maintaining true faith in the end of times is like holding onto a cactus or a burning coal, applies to those who seek polygamy for the right reasons that Islam intended with it and go about it in the best way that they can. Such couples who wish to expand their family by welcoming in another wife often do feel like they are lepers or that they are the Angel of Death when they come to a family with a marriage proposal. To hold onto the true religion, without cherry-picking, is indeed like squeezing a burning coal.
Would the story of Karbala and Ashura even be able to be told without polygamy? Imam Hussain had multiple wives at the time of the tragedy. His noble children whom we all cry for every Ashura came from different mothers. Unlike the wife of Prophet Jacob, who was the mother of Judah, they had no petty animosity, rivalries, or spite against each other. They were on the same team of Islam and the Caravan of the Lovers of Allah.
If one of these noble and insightful women had rejected Imam Hussain for the same reasons that many men are rejected today, would we have the story of Ali Asghar, Ali Akbar, or Imam Sajjad (peace be upon them)?
In contemporary times, some of the leaders of the global Islamic revolution have multiple wives – such as Sayed Badr ad-Din, the father of Martyr Hussein al Houthi and Sayed Abdul Malik al-Houthi, two half brothers who are the foundation of the Ansarallah movement in Yemen – while others have only one wife. To repeat this theme, it is not for everyone but not for no one. For some families it fits to their direction, for others monogamy is what fits their family mission.
Polygamy shouldn’t be so taboo that almost no one does it, and those who practice polygamy are outcasted, slandered, looked down upon, and even prevented from having a chance at marrying another when majority of families slam the door in the face of the man, even if he is righteous in conduct and has the permission of his current wife/wives. Islam is about balance – why not take a balanced approach to this topic as we should to others?
We live in a very sick world, where the wisdom of the religion of Islam is suspended in the way of peoples’ personal whims and cherry-picking.
Meanwhile, flimsy, whimsical “polyamorous” relationships built on nothing but lust, hedonism, and animalism – like the one mentioned at the beginning of this piece which sadly ended in child abuse of the poor child born out of wedlock to one of the woman’s 4 “lovers” – are deemed “normal” and “trendy” while it is deemed “taboo” and “scandalous” for a righteous man of value taking the responsibility of another wife, caring about his current wife’s/wives’ hearts by seeking their blessing beforehand, and doing so for loftier reasons than just materialistic reasons of having more women and children (even if he can be just between then).
It’s time to put an end to cherry-picking and shaping our idea of love, romance, and family around Disney films, as well as unfairly tarnishing the name of polygamy based on the actions of those who have unfairly abused it and caused misery for the lives of the women involved. The family unit is under attack. We must welcome and accept all forms of family arrangements which are sanctioned and sanctified by God in the religion of Islam if we want to effectively safeguard our society from social decay and destruction.
Addendum May 2023: A recent lecture by the always eloquent and insightful Imam Muhammad al-‘Asi on this subject has presented some insights into a balanced Islamic approach to the issue of polygamy. Imam al-‘Asi again echoes what the ulema generally state about the great disdain that Islam has for frivolous polygamy done purely for worldly reasons. He goes directly into the Arabic grammar to argue that Allah SWT never intended for just any man to decide he can go and get another wife simply for the sake of worldly gratification.
He notes that the aya begins by mentioning orphans, which indicates that Allah meant for the institution of polygamy to only be used in cases of solving social problems, such as maintaining a state of security and support for girl orphans once they reach the age of adulthood and are suitable for marriage, as Islam requires both mental and physical maturity for marriage. This ties into what Shaheed Mutahhari spoke about in regards to the need for a social problem to be solved by polygamy, which he expanded beyond just orphans who have reached adulthood, but also issues relating to infertility, high female:male ratios, etc.
Imam al-‘Asi goes on to point out how the Arabic grammar used for saying that a man can have up to four permanent wives at the same time suggests that the existing wife/wives must be fully on board with each addition to the family. The word used for “two” could have been something else, according to Arabic grammar, had Allah not wanted to safeguard the woman’s emotional well-being by allowing polygamy do be done without her approval. Aside from the fact that the Islamic regulation of the ancient practice of polygamy not only sought to limit its use for solving social problems and not for the gratification of men, but it also sought to safeguard the woman by requiring her approval for any additional family member. However, according to most Shi’a maraja, permission is not wajib for polygamy to be valid. One possible reason for such a ruling, correct this humble author if he is mistaken, is to cover the instances of high female:male ratios in society, whereby a woman’s refusal to give permission would oppress the single women of society into the darkness of celibacy or the darkness of adultery.
Therefore, the general ruling takes into account these types of scenarios, because if it became wajib, then a man who seeks to fulfill the woman’s right (according to Mutahhari) of polygamy in a high female:male ratio society would be considered as an adulterer along with the woman who was just trying to start a stable, loving family and both of them, if they lived in an Islamic government, would be subject to the Islamic punishment for adultery (the severity depending on the number of witnesses to the act of intimacy itself) and the children would be subject to the label of illegitimate which comes with a number of spiritual handicaps which make difficult their path to perfection, and prevents them from certain positions in society due to such potential for slipping into corruption and vice. However, even if the Sharia doesn’t require permission in order to cover this particular scenario whereby polygamy solves the social problem of female:male ratios, in all other instances, not seeking permission is entirely unethical, breaks the peace of the family home environment, and thus leads to the deterioration of society. This balanced approach to polygamy is neither totally permissive to just any man who wants another wife for no justifiable reason, but it does not make it taboo so that those who fulfill the criteria of justice and solving a social woe will not be wrongly subjected to slander, gossip, and other negative stigma.
